Entry 149: Lenny

Mopping up the streets

Always on my damn feet!

I heard I got a promotion

Didn’t know that meant

I’d be running all over tarnation

Cleaning up the damned mess

Left behind after that insane

Clocktower business!

For a town that’s rebuilding itself, literally

You’d think it would have streets that ate bodies

Or at the very least drank the blood or something?

The worst part is no overtime!

I’ve been working well over 40 hours

However, the last guy who complained

Well…HR moved him to an asylum…

Night shift…

Supposed to be abandoned

However, the only thing abandoned was his body…

When they found him he had no organs

Just an empty, bleeding husk

Think anyone is going to complain now

Not old Lenny!

-Lenny-

Entry 113: Behind The Scythe #2: Ren

Here I sit playing this game

I had hoped the old man playing me

Would have thought it too cliche

To challenge a Reaper to a game of Chess

Seriously, look at this guy

He has no wife, no kids

Nothing left to go back to

They are all here with me

They all died in a landslide

This prick wanted his family to move on!

He pulls me aside and says

Wait, I want to ask you something if that is okay?

Go on my family I will catch up

I am slightly amused that he thinks they are going anywhere

If they tried they’d just be lost

They wouldn’t know where to go and only bad comes of that

Looking at the old croon who waved me over I come up to him and he whispers

Take my family where they need to go, I challenge you for my soul…

…I want a chance at life again…

Don’t tell that crazy old bat though!

That’s my wife if you didn’t know…

I feel a headache coming on old man!

How are you even privy to this information?

I’m not…figured it couldn’t hurt to try!

*Sigh*

According to Article 132b Subsection 6

A Reaper is not required to tell a soul about the Game rule

However…if challenged said Reaper must comply

Basically you old bag of wind

YOU CHALLENGED ME SO I HAVE TO PLAY A GAME OF YOUR CHOOSING!

It doesn’t say I have to be nice about it though….

A smile in his eyes he says

I choose Chess!

Well fine, I’ll be back

Out of the blue I heard another annoying voice say

NO WORRIES REN! I’LL TAKE HIS FAMILY, YOU JUST WIN THE GAME!

Whatever Rae, JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE!

OKAY! BYE! *Whispers* Don’t mind him, he’s having a bad day

I’m the guy you want to have take you to the next place anyways…

I CAN HEAR YOU RAE! JUST FUCK OFF…okay?

Soon after he disappears

As he does a table appears

In its center lay a single Chess board

Soon after comes two chairs

Also an all too excited Gina appears…

LISTEN UP! A GAME OF SOULS IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE!!!!!

ARE YOU READY LESTER THE OLD JESTER?!

The man smiles and nods…he seems too entertained

REN! ARE WE READY TO BEGIN?!

JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

LET THE GAME OF SOULS…BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t bother to tell her she enjoyed her job way too much

For the next seemingly eternity we waited for this old man to make a move…

Then he made the most obvious one!

What took you so long to move your pawn?

It’s a game of souls…I have a lot riding on this…

The look in his eyes was dead serious

Confused I made my move

So, what is it you need to go back for?

Old Lester gave me a smile and said…

I’m keeping that close to the vest young man

What’s it like doing what you do?

Intrigued by his next move I said

I’m in the business of souls, what do you think it’s like?

What aren’t you telling me old man?

We played our game of Chess

As we did our game of conversation continued…

I’d say there is a fair bit to be intrigued about playing this game of Chess

Not everyday you play a game of Chess against Death…

Fair enough, it’s an eternal fate of escorting souls to where they need to go

Happy?

Is it like an office? Do you have a boss?

Yes, your point?

Curious is all…

Back and forth the game continued

I couldn’t help but feel something wasn’t right

Enough with the stall old man, you are going to lose

I invoke a timed duel…

Gina smiled with delight and said

Timed Duel approved! Participants have 10 seconds to make a move

If you don’t make a move in this time, YOU LOSE!

I wanted to smile but the old man just sped up his game

He was quite good at this…

You been playing Chess your whole life?

Ever since I was 2, and I’m 98 now so…

I get it, you’ve been at it a while

To answer your question from earlier I have many a boss

I may look young but I’ve been in the field for 900 years today…

I’m up for a promotion…it would be a nice change from my everyday

Interesting…well good luck to you. I’m going back though so…

You seem quite confident old man, especially since you are losing

A smile crossed his face like he knew what was going to happen next…

He made a curious move then suddenly Sara ran by…

I forgot about the timed duel…

It all happened so fast

I was distracted by Sara’s pace, and what I felt from her…

Something was very wrong…

I felt dread, saw a kid, then…

The vision ended with…

LESTER WINS! REN IS DISQUALIFIED FOR MAKING NO MOVE!

FUCK! Congrats you old coot…do you mind my asking…

What is it you are headed back for?

With a grand smile he said…

I want to drink all the booze I can and live in peace until I die again!

WHAT?!

*Sigh*

Fair is fair, go back, just know you can only invoke the game of souls once

Next time, you are done…

Corporate is going to displeased

So much for that promotion…

-Behind The Scythe #2: Ren-

 

 

 

Entry 112: Zack & Jack #1: Recess Fun

I see him some nights

He hides in shadows

For he is shadows

I call him Jack

He claims to be my friend

I believe him

I was at school the other day

I’m in first grade

Recess is my favorite time of day

Mostly because

There is a girl I like

Her name is Tara

She is always so sweet

We play together at recess

Then there is a bully

His name is Max and he is really mean

I told Jack about Max and he promised me he’d help

Tara came up to me wanting to play

Max said I’d best stay away

Tara said Max you don’t own me

Max shoved Tara to the ground

I got angry

It’s a rule, no fighting in school

Jack says it’s not breaking the rules if he does it for me

I watched Max’s shadow change

Shortly after that there was a lot of warm red stuff all over me

I think I saw something covered in red ripped from Max’s chest

There was lot’s of screams and the other kids ran

Tara didn’t though

She said Zack, I like your friend

That was sweet of you to call him to help

I don’t think we will have to worry about Max again

I remember getting a funny feeling when she kissed me on the cheek

The other kids were still running and screaming and the teachers grabbed us

Recess is the best

I went inside and Tara sat next to me smiling when a thought entered my mind

Jack, you don’t think I’ll get cooties do you?

-Zack & Jack #1: Recess Fun-

 

 

Entry 105: Meats! Meats! Carniverous Treats!

MEATS! MEATS! CARNIVEROUS TREATS!

Come one, come all and taste my sweet delicacies!

I’m back in Black Winter once again

Ready to give you the best meat you can eat!

I assure you I can not be beat!

I HAVE THE TASTIEST MEATS YOU COULD EVER HAVE!

Also, you could not say no to my GLORIOUS MOUSTACHE!!!!!!!!

Voted best mustache every year since 1992

I come before you now as I do every year

To celebrate Fall and Winter here in the darkest town of all!

My favorite place to sell, come citizens of Black Winter

See what I have to sell

I assure you there is a meat for all…unless you are the scariest beast of all!

A NON MEAT EATER!

How can you live with yourselves?!

Oh Timmy, one of my favorite customers

Let me see, I have something special for you

Ah, here we are…the meat you sent me

It is complete to your requirements

Also it’s half off this time kid because

HA!! THAT’S YOUR DEAD OLDER SISTER YOU’RE EATING!

*munch,munch*

MMMMmmm….YUMMY!!!!!!!!

Glad you’re enjoying that you demented soul

What’s that you say, you are giving me your living, breathing…babysitter

In trade?

That’s way more than I asked for…

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?!

*Muffled screams and struggling*

LOOKS LIKE I’M GIVING FREE SAMPLES AND A LIVE DEMONSTRATION!

BABYSITTERS ON THE MENU COURTESY OF THE CANNIBAL KID!

*Crowd clamors and cheers! They all begin to sling along*

MEATS! MEATS! CARNIVEROUS TREATS!

MEAT KEEPER GIVE ME SOMETHING DELICIOUS TO EAT!

First my friends you gut her and watch the blood spread

Make sure not to lose too much and to have a bucket ready

It can be used for drinking and seasoning

Whatever you are feeling that day

Also if you have excess meat as is the case with this pretty dead face!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you, I’m here till Spring,

Anyways notice how she has plenty of extra meat in her ass and breasts

Provided everything is real like in this case, cut and store for later if you need too

A deep freeze will usually do until you’ve made room in your stomach for more

Truly it’s a beautiful art, you can even use the heart!

Hell if you want, you can keep some meat on the ribs

Or you can use the ribs as a trophy if your into that sort of thing

I don’t judge if you know what I mean

*Wink*

FREE SAMPLES FOR EVERYBODY!

DO YOU PREFER YOUR MEAT RAW OR COOKED?!

I HAVE BABYSITTER MEAT FOR EVERYBODY!

Do you prefer a meat sandwich with tons of meat

Or simply strips of flesh

Perhaps you prefer your meat a little more fresh?

*Pulls back curtain to reveal living humans bound and gagged*

As you can see, I have plenty to eat that still live if that’s what you need.

Don’t mind their muffled screams, I’ve got something else as well

Would you prefer severed heads?

I hear if you use the eye juices, it goes perfect on deviled eggs!

Maybe you hate men and want to promote your feminist agenda?

Well I can sell you fresh cock!

I could you sell you the whole man if you prefer to chop it off while he lives

Maybe as a demonstration perhaps?

That’d really wow your convention!

Regardless, even if you just like the taste of this type of meat

I have a special seasoning that even after severed will keep it fresh and juicy!

I never judge and I’ll even give it at a special deal of 2 for 1!

“I’ll PAY FOR 30!”

Yes ma’am! I’ll even let you have the whole body for that price!

Would anyone like a heart or two?

There is plenty of that to go around too!

I have legs, I have tongues, I have any type of meat you could ever want!

For the right price you’ll see

I have just what you need!

It’s all at my booth

Just ask for Mortimer of MEATS! MEATS! CARNIVEROUS TREATS!

Get this meat while you can

I’m only here till Spring Black Winter!

*Line forms and people continue to sing

-MEATS! MEATS! CARNIVEROUS TREATS!-

Entry 50: Ol Renny #1: I’m The Greatest Bitch This World Ever Done Seen!

I’ve lived so long

Seen many things

Most call me the woman in white

However don’t confuse me with an old urban legend

I don’t vanish, nor do I hitchhike.

No, ol’ Renny don’t do none of that shit!

What?

There are too many fucking psychos out in Black Winter.

Have you learned nothing about this town?

Excuse me…where are my manners

I’m a sweet ol gal if you get to know me.

Really.

You can trust me.

When has an old lady every done anything evil?

Anyways, while you think of an answer to that I want to warn you of something.

No doubt you be hearing of this Man In Black lately…

He is no man. Fuckers around here read too many books and are going to get you confused and shit!

Devil in Black would be a more apt description

This isn’t some one from a storybook

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

The answer to the dot code.

Would you like that?

The answer is

.A .x2=B and so on.  Every space is a new letter.

Don’t say ol Renny never did you any good.

Doubt that Sinister is going to appreciate my gabbing.

That is the only answer you are going to get out of Renny though

I don’t flap my gums for everyone.

I will let you do all the digging in older entries to find out what everything says.

It won’t seem like much, but it is important.

Oh, and if you see that ol Devil in Black

Tell him ol Renny kindly says fuck off!

He will get what I am speaking of.

Till next time. I think Sinister is aware I’m hijacking shit!

-Ol Renny #1: I’m the greatest bitch this world ever done seen-

P.S.- Yes, I titled that myself.  😉

P.P.S.- I chose the image too. Why? I’m a classy bitch that’s why! I mean…I’m a sweet old lady, with an edge!

 

Entry 34: Things Heard In The Static #2: Jonny I Fonny

Life is a beautiful thing

One should cling onto it for as long as one can

You never know when it will be snuffed out

It could be anything really

Car accident

Bear accident

Homicidal axe wielding maniac

Shot in the nuts and you bleed out

That would be one hell of a story to talk about

Your wife could be a homicidal vixen

Hehe

Come to think of it

Maybe you are the poor sap who got his manhood removed

She did it didn’t she

Night after night saying she would

Then she finally did

Where was I?

Fuck! I just realized something

There are like a metric FUCKton of ways to die on any given day

I change my stance

I can do that right?

Yes, you, probably staring at your telly petrified by the voice speaking to you.

(laughs)

Life’s fucking evil Ennit?

Don’t grow up kid

Now that I think about it, you are here so you are probably already dead

Can I ask how it happened?

Too soon?

Things Heard In The Static: #2- Jonny I Fonny-