Entry 46: SinisterStoryTime #3: Suicide & Tragedy

Hey there souls. If you have a moment I have a story I want to share with you all. If ever a soul should come upon this they should know the truth of things. I bet a lot of you are expecting that odd soul sinister to be telling this entry but no, not this time. I mean he is typing it to be sure, I’m narrating it to him in a sense.

There won’t be any dark whimsical rhymes, or twisted wordplay in this one. I will let him label this another “SinisterStoryTime” if you will, but I felt the story would be much more impactful if it came from me. Before I wound up in Black Winter I was just a 19 year old kid, fresh off of graduating HS barely a year before. I lived in a small town, Mt. Carmel, IL. (Look it up, it is a real place). Oddly hard to find though.

So, anyways, you should know I hit an old “Suicide Bridge”. It is a paranormal phenomena. Not sure how many know about it, but I went there to investigate the legends behind it.

A mistake I would later learn.

I have always had a sense of the dead. They used to come to me, I would talk with them. Funny considering all things now. I had dreams after my investigation of the bridge. The dreams were of the old bridge, and often I would see someone dying there. Always a suicide, (hell, it is in the name right?) but once I dreamt of this bridge and saw a man. He was the most repugnant and vile looking thing I had ever come across.

He was mostly a shadow, he had red glowing eyes, (the kind of things your siblings would tell you in a horror story meant to scare you) he had many features akin to that sort of thing. It is going to seem like I’m rambling, (partially I am) however everything I’m telling you is very important to my story. This thing (seemed a demon if I ever saw one, and I have a few times) had such a dark energy about it. It was so vile if you were around it you felt yourself drained, as though it was taking your life and very soul from your body.

I remember that feeling so clearly. There is a lot you don’t know and you forget once you wind up in Black Winter, but this was impossible to forget. This was something the likes very few ever feel unless (I imagine) they are sent to hell. I awoke from that dream that night, having seen no one die this time, but feeling as though I was marked.

There is no feeling quite like feeling like you are destined to die. You do things trying to change it. It changes nothing. That morning I woke up, got ready to go to work at the local burger joint. You know it’s name, I just won’t mention it here as it’s rather unimportant. It was about halfway through my shift I saw him, in the corner near a trash can just leering at me. I felt the darkness, I grew cold, I turned pale, and a cold sweat over took me.

I had to be dreaming right?

The sense of dread, dying, fear, my soul, scrambling to CLING TO IT! TO CLING TO LIFE! It smiled, it was then I saw its black stained, razor sharp teeth. Everything went black, I awoke later in a hospital, a girl Natalie (My secret crush) standing next to me. I thought I might be dead because I didn’t know she knew I existed. If this was death it was an oddly warm feeling. There she stood, holding my hand, her beautiful face riddled with concern for me.

I don’t know that I deserved the concern, or that I liked it gracing such an Angels face. I asked her if I was dead, and she smiled, kissing my hand and assuring me I wasn’t. She had food for me, but she said it had to wait because she wanted to tell me something. I looked confused, half from the drugs I think I’d been given, when she simply knelt down and kissed me. I was enraptured with such an amazing feeling. Time stood still, she was everything I’d ever dreamed and more.

We talked after this, as I ate. She told me she had always been too nervous to talk to me, so she never had but after everything that happened she wanted to let me know how she felt. It was at this point I felt I could really be dead but my racing heart and my sudden hard on told me otherwise.

Can the dead get hard?

Alright smartasses, I’m not talking rigormortis either. At any rate, she stayed with me in the hospital until my release. The doctors had no explanation for what had happened. I had no clots, no perceivable thing wrong with me. They released me and chalked it up to stress. They told me to take it easy. They gave me some meds. I did take it easy in a way. I remember leaving the hospital, the horrible feeling I felt as I left though almost put me back into the place.

I felt that thing again. As Natalie helped me to my car, she took my keys and offered to drive. She lived close by and figured she would just drive me home. (You have to understand this is a very small town. She could easily walk back home.) I got in the passengers side of the car and turned and saw it, just staring at me. A crooked, twisted smile graced its lips as we pulled away. I felt sick but as we got further away I started to feel myself again.

I got home and was going to relax when Natalie asked if she could come inside. I told her yes. She smiled, and came in. She took me to my room and made sure I was in bed. She stayed and we watched a highly engaging political drama on a highly popular streaming site. (I’ll give you this one, House Of Cards on Netflix).

Natalie stayed for a long time that night. She gave me her number, kissed me goodbye, and promised she would come in and check on me as soon as morning came. That night I slept hard…but then I also had the most disturbing nightmare. I saw the bridge again. I saw the shadow that walked it. I saw a girl, her pony tail, mixed skin, her beautiful blue eyes. I saw her looking at me. It was Natalie!

She smiled, mouthed something I couldn’t understand and then jumped from the bridge, far below, into the path of an oncoming all black train. I had never seen a train like it before. I remember looking over the bridge, seeing her just as the train hit her. A bug on a windshield would be an apt description. I freaked and awoke screaming her name only to feel an idiot when I realized it was 11 in the afternoon and someone was pounding on my door.

I got out of the bed and checked the door. It was Natalie, beautiful as ever. She looked concerned. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about my dream, so I just told her I had a nightmare and it was probably a result of the meds I was given to help with my “stress”. She smiled and we talked. She suggested we watch something light hearted today so we marathoned Scrubs and laughed the day and our problems away. It was a beautiful day even though it was raining all of it.

Before she left I told Natalie if she ever needed in I had a spare key she could take hidden behind the mail box outside my door.  She seemed happy with this and came back and kissed me. I thought things might go further, and they probably would have had I not opened my eyes in the middle of a long kiss goodnight to see that thing staring at me from the corner, smiling all the way. Natalie and I stopped kissing, and she asked what was the matter?

I told her I’m sorry and I was feeling ill again. She looked at me with concern in her eyes again and asked if I needed to go to the hospital? I told her no, I just needed some water. She smiled, and went to get me some water. It was then I noticed the feeling again, it was practically consuming me.  It felt like my soul was leaving my body, and seconds later it started to alleviate. I was thankful for this thinking the thing must be leaving or gone but that is when I noticed the thing was not gone but was following Natalie into the kitchen.

I felt hopeless like I had never felt in my life before. I heard Natalie filling up water as she talked on her cell phone. I could hear her making an appointment for me at the hospital. She came back into the room and the thing wasn’t with her as she told me she had setup an appointment for tomorrow at 7 in the morning. She handed me water, and also showed me she had grabbed the spare key. It was then she told me to get some rest and she would be here for me bright and early.

A kiss (such a beautiful feeling people often take for granted until it’s too late) was what she left me with. Then she headed to leave, and it was then the thing appeared again. It smiled at me, and then followed her. I reached out and asked out of the blue if she wanted to stay with me tonight. It was sudden and as Natalie turned she smiled, but looked a little shocked.

“I don’t know where this is coming from but sure.  I’d like that.”

I assured her I felt safer when she was around and figured if she was taking me early to the doctor anyways she might as well not have to get up any earlier. I also made sure that was all it was. I wasn’t trying to be skeevy or expecting her to do anything.  She laughted at this. She thought it was cute and said she felt I had been respectful the entire time through all this and that she wasn’t worried.

Then with a wink she said:

“You better watch out there handsome, I might take advantage of your fragile state and help you decompress proper. There is more than one way to deal with stress.”

I smiled, knowing she was joking, but something in her smile and the wink said she may not entirely be kidding. Of course we both slept that night, and I had no nightmares. She slept next to me, and nothing ever came of the joke. I woke up the next morning and we headed to the doctors office.

The doc checked me out and then ran every test imaginable on me. She assured me she could find nothing wrong. Out of the blue Natalie snapped! She began tearing into the doc, telling her something was def wrong. I had never seen that sweet face so angry and I made a mental note not to ever upset her. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t. I apologized to the doc and thanked Natalie for her concern, nonchalantly playing it off like it was going to be okay.

Natalie calmed and a cautious smile appeared on her face. She was still concerned but she seemed to be trusting me. We have only known one another a short time and yet if you didn’t know that, you would think we were married. That was a beautiful thought and brought a great calm over me.

I told myself then that this woman was everything I could ever want in anyone. I would marry her at some point. That is what I silently promised myself. Natalie apologized to the doc as well and we left. The next couple of months went by and I made a great recovery. I had no nightmares, no weakness. I had almost forgotten about that shadowy figure between feelings of love for Natalie (our relationship had progressed quickly over this time) and the stress over how I was going to pay all my medical bills.

Things were great despite the dichotomy of emotions running in my life at the moment. This day was like any other. The night however, was like no other. (I get it, I made a rhyme but it wasn’t intentional). On this night Natalie came over after her shift. She used my shower and then came back to my room. We talked for a time and then she told me something serious. Natalie said she loved me. She wanted to be sure I felt the same.  I told her of course, and I told her of my silent promise.

The most beautiful smile appeared on her lips. She then kissed me in a way she never had before. It was much more sensual, as I felt her hand head down south. We made out and then we made love. If you have never been in love then you are missing out. Making love is not having sex, it is so much more beautiful! My mind (among other things) was blown, my world was turned upside down. Together we slept that night, naked. Her body was so warm, so beautiful.

Everything was perfect in that moment…

That would all end the next night…

I awoke the next morning to find Natalie had already left.  She left the most beautiful love letter behind, and also explained she had to go to work. We were going to meet at the end of her shift. I was going to pick her up. I got in my car and prepared to drive over to get her. I was coming up on a 4 way crossing when everything grew cold, I had trouble breathing and the feeling had returned.

I’m sure it all happened quite fast, but it felt like an eternity. I remember the feeling, I remember seeing the figure in the middle of the street. It was more defined. A man in all black, a sickly pale skin. He still had red eyes, a black hat, a long crooked nose, and his teeth were stained with black. He wore an outfit that looked quite like a priests, had a shadowy black aura that resonated around him, and held a book that almost looked a bible but was much too big and the symbol on it wasn’t right either.

It was there he stood in the 4 way street, at the traffic lights, smiling as I struggled to keep conscious. My soul felt like it was leaving my body as I began to lose consciousness and then I heard a loud blaring. I think it was an 18 wheeler that smashed into my car. Everything was black after that. I was in a constant state of dreaming, or an unending nightmare.

I saw everything going on around me, on the outside, while I lay in a vegetative state in the hospital. It all played out like a sick movie. In my mind he was always there. He knew my name. He spoke to me now quite often. I remember one conversation distinctly. I watched Natalie crying her eyes out. He stood there talking to me as she did.

“You see kid, this is how it ends. Life is so unfair like that. You happened to come to an old bridge wrought with suicide. Your curiousity got the best of you. Now you lie in a state of life and death. A Schrödinger’s cat scenario in its own way.”

I wanted to speak but no words came out.

“Watch closely kid. You are about to die. This is one of my favorite parts of the film, that is your life.”

It was at this moment I felt a change. Now I was fully there, in the room. I no longer felt like I was viewing this from afar. No, I was in the room with Natalie, helplessly watching as she got the phone call. I distinctly remember the words, I’m sorry, Dylan is dead. I felt everything in me grow cold as Natalie dropped her phone and fell to her knees. She sobbed like I hadn’t seen a soul sob before.

I then spent the next year, (Well it was a year in the time of the living) watching as Natalie slowly lost herself to depression and despair. The sweet innocent soul I once knew was now a shattered, hollow shell of its former self. As time went on, Natalie began taking hard drugs, and cutting herself. She began to wind up in bed with unsavory men. She quit her job, lost touch with all her family and friends and lost herself.

The man in black spoke one night to me as I watched helplessly trying to tell Natalie to stop, and screaming for her to move on. She never noticed or heard my pleas as she started looking in a mirror and carving her face with a knife, slowly leaving mark after mark in her skin.

The man in black smiled, and laughed:

“It is no use kid. She can not hear you. This is all leading to the great climax. You are stuck with me, and as such, you are going to witness everything.”

I was confused and cried out to the sick figure!

“WHY?! Why do I deserve this?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?! Can’t you at least save her?”

The last line I barely said, it was more of a whimper that left my lips.

The man smiled:

“Relax kid. You will be free to go to your next stop when this movie is through. You have to witness everything first. As for why…who says you deserve any of this? I’d liken it to your being too curious for your own good. After all curiosity killed more than just the cat kid.”

I WAS SO ANGRY!

I was broken, I was trapped…I could neither hurt this man, nor could I help my dear Natalie. I have never felt a greater feeling of complete worthlessness as I did then. Months went by, she continued the self destructive tendencies. She lost herself.  Natalie stopped selling her body for money and simply sold it for drugs.

She had sex with all kinds of men, often many at the same time. For a time it was only for drugs. Then she started just doing it. I found an entry in her diary once that explained this. She mentioned how she did this because she didn’t care about the money or the drugs anymore. She simply did it because. It, in some ways was the only thing left that made her feel semi alive.

This eventually changed.

At some point she did it to do it. She hoped someone would just kill her. She felt for sure someone finally would. These were bad men, surely they would kill her and then she could see “Her Dylan” again. It was at this point the man in black smiled.

“Ain’t that sweet kid. She really must love you. Strange how she shows it.”

The cycle continued for quite a while.

Sex, punishment…sex, punishment, sex…punishment. I had lost track of all the men she had been with at this point as well as all the scars she had carved into her body. Then one night she screamed at the top of her lungs that there was no God, that she hated life, and that she was going to end it all.

I wanted to stop her but I knew there was no way I could. Like a sick prophecy I was about to see my worst nightmares come true. You would think you are already dead so surely it couldn’t get any worse. You would be wrong. There are so many things FAR WORSE…than death.

I vaguely heard the man in black speak again. I’d stopped caring a long time ago.

“Get ready kid, this is how the movie ends.”

You can guess what happened next.

It was midnight, on a cold rainy night.  I could feel the rain that night, despite my current state of death and lack of a physical body. That is the funny thing science doesn’t get. They think you experience love, pain, and other things due to the mind, but that isn’t true. Your soul feels all these things. That is how phantom limb pain is a thing.

Death isn’t the end of pain unfortunately…at least it wasn’t for me.

There we stood, Suicide bridge. Natalie climbed on the edge. Standing there in the rain and the wind. The whistle of an oncoming train was so powerful you would swear it was the cries of a demon getting ready to devour a meal. In this case Natalie was that meal, and in a way the analogy rang true.

The rain beat down cold, uncaring. The wind blew like fate. The man in black smiled, putting a black boot on the railing of the bridge as he lit a cigarette. I remember thinking for a brief second, fuck…I didn’t know cigarettes were a thing after death, before refocusing on Natalie who stood on the edge.

The man in black spoke:

“That is cute, she probably thinks she is going to see you again.  Touching considering where she really is headed. You both are about to take the same train, but you are getting off at separate stops.”

Natalie flipped off the skies above and then looked down below. She then spoke her last words.

Smiling, she said, tears rolling down her face:

“I love you Dylan. I’m sorry things ended like this…”

That sick voice spoke again.

“Any last requests kid?”

I stared bleary eyed and at a loss before speaking.

“I could really use a damn cigarette.”

The man in black let out a twisted laugh. He then slipped a cigarette into my shirt pocket with a sick smile of amusement before speaking.

“One for the road kid. Smoke it when you get to where you are going next. We will meet again sooner than you think.”

Then I looked up and watched as Natalie closed her eyes and fell forwards towards the oncoming train. I felt a shove from behind and I was now falling too. Then I looked up and saw the monstrous black train heading right for us. It’s scream the last thing I heard before everything went black.

I woke up here shortly after, in Black Winter. I have searched but found no sign of Natalie. I won’t give up though. I haven’t seen the man in black yet, but I can’t help but feel I will sooner than I’d like to. It is odd…I feel a powerful connection to the figure. It is fucked up. I’m smoking the cigarette he gave me telling you all about the fucked up end of my life and the even more fucked up nightmare that is my after life.

The cigarette just lit itself when I put it in my mouth. I don’t really care to question why anymore. I have a lot of questions and not very many answers. I want you all to know something. If you have taken the time to hear my story, and you have learned anything from it.

I hope it is to cherish those you love the most, and to enjoy life while you have it.

It is funny how every day we take for granted. We get wrapped up in jobs, bills, life…and yet we never notice how precious a gift life truly is, until it is too late. I’m not sure what is next for me, or even that I fully understand why I wound up with the fate I have been dealt.

I’m sure a large part of it had to be my investigating that bridge. I’m also quite sure I didn’t deserve any of this.

It doesn’t matter now though does it?

If it all had to do with that damn bridge then that brings up a ton of other questions doesn’t it?

It also makes me laugh in a morbid sense.  I guess the man in black was right.

Curiosity (at least in this case) really did kill more than just the cat.

Goodbye souls, I’m sure we will speak again.

I know you will hear of me for sure.

Black Winter has a way of sharing  the stories of souls like mine.

I’m going to keep smoking this cigarette and plan my next move.

Cheers!

-SinisterStoryTime: #3: Suicide & Tragedy-

 

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